I'm breaking the rules!

So, I will be breaking the rules on the blog. The "rules" say you shouldn't give your heart to a child you can't adopt. But I can't help myself. I love her. I realized today that I can let go of Eric saying "yes" to adopting her. It's the part where I am supposed to let go of loving her so much that I can't do. I. Just. Can't.

Until she has another family, I will love her with all of the mommy love that God has given me for her. She will be my heart daughter. I will pray extra prayers of protection around her. And you know what? I might just send her care packages as well!

The only person that might be "punished" for me loving her, is me. I just don't feel like I have any choice other than to love her, and mourn her when I lose her.

I got new pics of her today. She is so beautiful to me. I just want to scoop her up and kiss those lips! Actually, I day dream about doing just that several times a day. She has on my kids' old clothes. The shirt is (I think) a 3t shirt of Taevy's, and the shorts are 18m size shorts that were Bright's. Those were my favorite shorts for Bright. Now...she is cute enough to pull off the tom boy look, but seriously! The girl needs some girly clothes! I think I will have to take care of that when the next family travels.

Pitiful

How pitiful is it that I am checking the AAI Snapfish photo account over and over and over again because a family just got home from Ghana that promised to take some pics of Mabel for me. I can't wait to see new images of her sweet self. Is it wrong to love a child this much that will never be my own?

The Day After

I wouldn't say that God has changed my heart about wanting to adopt Mabel. But I would say he has given me peace about submitting to Eric about it.

Today is a really nice day here in OK. The sun is shining and the temps are warm. It feels "new" today. No big looming questions over what will come next in our lives. I feel a big need to just enjoy my kids and husband--to concentrate on what I do have, rather than what I don't have. And I have a lot.

Eric and I talked this morning about what we can learn from this experience. This was not all for nothing. And you know what? Most of his fears in going forward with Mabel's adoption would have been taken away if we were to adopt through the foster care system. There would be no worries about if he lost his job and couldn't provide insurance for an HIV+ child. The state provides that if the child is adopted through foster care. There would be no cost for the adoption itself. And even any worries about being able to provide for an extra mouth at the table are erased, because almost all children through foster adoption come with monthly subsidies to offset their care cost until they are 18. Some states even provide college tuition for in state universities!

So maybe what we have learned through this is the type of adoption that might be best if/when we decide to adopt again. International adoption is what I know. Foster adoption might be a better "fit." But in the end I guess we'll wait and see what the Lord says "the next time."

Grieving

You know, I thought I did pretty good tonight. There was 1/2 an hour or so when I wasn't into interacting with the family (while I was making dinner). Taevy kept asking why my face was so red (trying to hold back tears). But I eventually began to function better.

I have successfully accepted the earthly benefits to not adopting Mabel. Money won't be as tight. I don't have to scrub our walls of all pencil marks or paint the ones that are beyond hope (in anticipation of a social worker). The backyard can be its wild self until I feel like changing that. There are earthly benefits, to be sure. I just would rather focus on eternal ones.

So even though I thought I had done a good job of letting Mabel go tonight, my dreams would suggest otherwise. I know this sounds mellow-dramatic, but it's kind of like how TV plays a mom who has lost a child through miscarriage or another kind of death. The pitiful mother wakes up in the middle of the night calling out to her child.

I have done that over and over in some form since I went to bed tonight (it's 3:22am right now). Eric has a cough, and every time he coughs I think it's someone calling to me. "She needs you." "Mabel." "She's burning." One time I must have been dreaming simply about caring for her in the night. When Eric coughed I leaned over and said, "It's okay Mae-Mae." (as if she was home and comfy and that was a normal thing.'

I finally got up and came in here to distract myself with the computer. I don't want her to call out to me in my sleep again tonight. It's too hard.

Anita

It's a no.

Eric said no to adopting Mabel. It seemed in so many ways that he was leaning towards a yes. I guess I should be comforted by the fact that I truly believe he prayed hard about it. In the end he could not get past the financial "risk" and the thought that he could be orphaning another child if something happened to him.

I promised myself that I would not force him in this. I promised that I would submit to his final answer. It made it easier to submit because I know he really put a lot of thought into it. I love him.

At the same time, I sincerely believe we have missed an opportunity to be blessed by an amazing child. I sincerely believe that the Lord called us to something that we are not following through on. But the Bible is clear (I think) that if there is a division between husband and wife, the wife is to submit. Therefore, if we have missed the boat on this and are outside God's perfect will, it's not "on me." I hate to put it that way, but that's what I believe.

I have to believe that Mabel will not wait long. I have to. I cannot bare the thought of her waiting for months on end at Eban House. If something happens to her, I will feel like we are responsible.

I'm not going to shut down this blog. I feel like that would be shutting down a dream. I believe I have 4 children. I believe one has not come home yet. Maybe that child is a child that will come to me later in life, when Eric is no longer with me. Maybe that child will come sooner (I hope so). I just can't give up on #4.

Mabel's Adoption Expenses

In case you're wondering...

Homestudy Update: $600 or $1400 (depending on whether our previous SW will work with us and charge us update fee instead of new study fee)

USCIS: $830

AAI Agency Fee: $2000

AAI Ghana Fee: $2000 + $5500

Travel:
Mabel’s Ticket: $700
Other Travel: $500 (to visit family in north of country)
*I think that AAI would end up covering the cost of one of my tickets, because they will want me to do work while in country. I have FF miles to cover the cost of the other ticket.

TOTAL: $10,330 or $11,130

So all in all, this would be a very inexpensive international adoption. The tax credit should cover it all. The challenge will be in getting the money up front. We are trying to be creative in how all of this might be able to happen. Grants, and fundraisers, and 401ks, oh my!

Silent Partner

So, something has happened. Someone who has always been supportive of our efforts to build a family has stepped forward and offered a great sacrifice. She has offered to "front" the money needed for our homestudy! In 6-8 weeks, because of our expected tax return, Eric and I should have the money needed to start the process (homestudy and USCIS). That is wonderful, but frustrating at the same time. If money were not the issue, we would be able to start the process soon, and hopefully be almost done with a homestudy in 6-8 weeks. That makes a big difference for Mabel, and a big difference in the overall timeline of the process.

So thank you, you know who you are. Regardless of whether we are able to go forward to adopt Mabel and accept your gracious offer, it is your SUPPORT that means the world to me. That you trust us to do what is right for our family, means a ton. I love you.

Anita

So what's the problem?

Maybe deciding to have another child is easy for some families. It isn't for ours. It never has been, since Taevy. With each additional child we have to go through a series of very involved questions. And it seems that with each additional child, the answers get harder to find.

We have three kids. We don't NEED another child to feel fulfilled. We have a wonderful family. But do we WANT another child? The answer for me is yes. I don't know for sure if Mabel is our #4, but I know I want a #4. I know there is room in the car and at the table and in my heart for #4.

For Eric, the question is more difficult. He's not sure whether he wants a 4th child right now. He's not sure if he ever wants a 4th child. But more than that, he feels like he might not be "good enough" for another child. He questions if he would have enough time and energy. He questions whether he is a good enough dad to have four kids. If you know him, you know this is an unfounded fear. He is a fabulous daddy. Our kids adore him. No good parent ever feels like they have given their child enough. So for Eric the question is not about whether he wants a 4th child, as much as it is a question of whether or not he feels that the fourth child would be in some way disadvantaged to be put into our family.

Another part of the problem is (of course) money. Even though I knew eventually I would want a #4, I didn't think it would be NOW. I didn't expect to have a child on my heart NOW. There is no money saved in the bank for a 4th child--no nest egg for the future.

I thought some of this could be offset by an adoption benefit given by my employer (an adoption agency). But no. They give no fee reduction for employees. As wrong as that is, it's what we have to deal with.

Eric and I both agree that we cannot and should not go into revolving debt in order to adopt Mabel. We are rock solid in agreement on that. We believe that grants would come for some of the fees. We know that we could come up with some by saving every month as well. The problem, not just with this adoption but with most, is having the money to go forward UP FRONT. There are lots of resources to "pay you back" money you've spent. But there are a lot fewer resources to give you the money up front and then let you pay it back with the adoption tax credit (or through other means).

It's scary to step off a cliff and not know for sure whether someone will be there to catch your fall. Even for me--and I am pretty big on faith. For Eric--who is pretty big on facts and figures--it is even scarier.

So that's the problem. First--deciding we do want to adopt #4. Second--deciding we want to give that #4 spot to Mabel. Third--coming up with the money to go forward.

Who is she?

She is in Ghana. She is 20 months old (yesterday). She weighs about 15 pounds. She is getting over some pretty significant malnutrition. She is from the north of the country. She is HIV+. Her name is Mabel. I'll call her Mabel...or #4....or Kendi (if we decide to actually adopt her)...or maybe just "daughter."

I knew from the first moment I saw Mabel in a picture she was special to me. All of the kids I advocate for are special, but she was extra special. Extra cute. Extra deserving. Extra...everything. It made me scared. The last time I felt like that was when I saw Samren's photo when he was waiting in Vietnam. I couldn't "shake" him out of my mind, no matter how hard I tried. It was the same with Mabel, although I did try to put her out of my mind.

When I went to Ghana I didn't know what to expect. Would I have the same connection with her in person that I did through a photograph? Maybe I was just in love with a cute photo. It happens. But no. Once I met her in person her photos paled in comparison. Her photos show a cute little girl, but Mabel is so much more than that. She is spunky, and determined. She is sweet and fiery. She is like chocolate spiced with hot peppers!

I wrote to Eric and told him that I loved her. I asked him to please pray about whether we could adopt her. And then two days later, I wrote to him and told him never mind--I didn't think she was supposed to be ours after all. You see...Eric and I are in a really good place right now. Not just in love, but FEELING the love! Just a really good place. Our adoption of Bright brought stress on our marriage. I was more into that process than he was. I promised myself that I would never again put Eric in the position of feeling forced to adopt. Don't get me wrong--he agreed to adopt Bright. But there were times during that very difficult process that he may have given up the fight. I wouldn't let us. Right or wrong, I wouldn't let us give up. Bright came home...we healed...and are good now.

A few days after I acted in FEAR and told Eric she wasn't supposed to be ours, I back-tracked. I wrote him again and told him it was my fear of causing stress between us that caused me to say she wasn't supposed to be ours. But in my heart of hearts, I knew she could be a wonderful daughter for us. Poor Eric! I don't know how he keeps up with me sometimes.

So. Who is Mabel? She's our "maybe baby." She's the daughter of my heart, that may never come to my home. She's wonderfully and perfectly made by God.

Anita

She is here in my heart.

#4 has revealed herself. I didn't know if she ever would. I didn't know when, or where, or how she might come to be. But I think the Lord has revealed her to me.