That Girl!

I got this little story from a mom who is currently in Ghana spending time at Eban House:


"Mabel had been playing with me and crawling all over me when she noticed that her snot had dripped all over my arm. She pointed at it in dismay and made some mabel comments, then she slid off my lap and ran (or however you describe the way she walks) to find a towel from the table, got the towel down, and brought it to me. After I wiped my arm, she looked quite satisfied with me, took the towel back, and came back to crawl on my lap. That girl!"



That's my girl! I mean, when your snot gets all over someone you've got to be considerate and get the person a towel! LOL!



The mom also said that Kendi Mabel can now say "mommy" and "babies."



Speaking of babies, Kendi is no longer the baby of Eban House. We welcomed 8 month old twins to Eban House this weekend. Our first true infants. They are said to be "very tiny." They are from Kendi's village. It's really amazing to me when I think about the size of some of these babies. Kendi is a very healthy-looking whopping 19 pounds now (at 22 months). In America these 8 month olds would be 19 pounds! I'm thinking they are maybe 9-10 pounds.

Homestudy Draft Is In!

Okay, so our Social Worker finally finished our homestudy! At least the draft. She sent it to Gay at AAI today. Woo hoo!!! So hopefully Gay will approve the study tomorrow, which will be April 3rd.

For my best case scenario I had hoped that our homestudy would be complete by April 1st. But the way our SW is working, I'm thinking the earliest I will have the notarized copies is next Friday, the 1oth. I was hoping to have our dossier in Ghana by the 15th, but that obviously isn't going to happen either. However, I think that it's still totally possible that we could be going to court by end of May. Our last batch of families who sent dossier over a few weeks ago are already heading to court very soon.

I've had a feeling since the beginning that USCIS is what is going to cause us delay in travel. I still feel that way. But I'll continue to beg and plead with them to please work quickly since our child is already identified.

Oh well. At least we are getting close with the homestudy. That will open up so much. Referral. Dossier. Complete I-600a file. Grants. That's good.

Good news!

Kendi Mabel's birth certificate has finally been received in Ghana! It has been such a struggle (always a struggle with kids from the North). Now the staff can apply for her passport! I'm trying not to worry about the passport thing, but that's going to be hard. It's such an unknown and frustrating part of the process.

Anita

Getting Impatient!

Okay, so we're what...6 weeks into this adoption. Yep. Right on target. I'm going through my first round of impatience. I am so ready to have our homestudy done so we can make the referral official! I wrote to my social worker to see if we were still on target to have the homestudy done "by the end of the month." She wrote back saying that she planned to have it done "soon." ACK! Now, I know I would do the exact same thing if I were here! Heck--I'm sure I do that to my families! I don't want to make promises and then have them get mad at me, so I use words like, "I think" and "maybe" and "soon" all the time.

Anyway, nothing big to report. I'm just impatient. I'm a horrible waiter. I'm ready to hold my baby again.

Is this not the cutest profile ever? I mean, really! =-)

Adoption Funding Update

Hi Everybody,

I thought I'd share with you how things are going on the financial side of the adoption. If you've been reading the blog from the beginning you know that our "sign" that we were to go forward was when a wonderful foundation said they would like to give us a grant.

We were notified today that we have recieved a very generous $5000 grant!!! Through our own savings and tax refund, we've been able to cover the cost of homestudy ($900), USCIS ($830), AAI Application ($100) and AAI Adoption Services Fee ($2000). In addition, I have enough frequent flyer miles to pay for one ticket to Ghana.

We have left to pay...
Ghana Foreign Fee: $7500, of which $5000 will be paid by grant
HIV Waiver: $545 (I think)
Visa: $400
Kendi's plane ticket: estimating $1000
Food/Boarding in Ghana for 1 month*: $1000

So, all in all we still need to finance about $5500 more for the adoption. That is a LOT of money. At the same time, I have faith that the Lord will continue to provide in ways that we could never imagine. It's not an option for us to take a conventional loan or put this remaining $5500 on credit cards (literally, not an option), so we will have to trust it will come in other ways!!

Eric and I have decided that we do feel okay about applying for some of the "covenent loan" programs that are out there (basically, a no interest loan where there is no promissory note and you promise to pay the loan back with the tax credit). We'll continue to apply for grants. We'll also have a grant account (not sure what the proper word for it is) with From HIV to Home where our friends and family can give a tax deductible donation towards our adoption expenses.

Prayers are appreciated!!!

*Yes, I'm still thinking I want to make one trip. It will just be so much less expensive if we can do it that way. It all depends on IF DHS will expedite I-600 processing and how fast we can get the HIV waiver done. A family is doing the waiver right now in Ghana, so we will have some idea within a few weeks.

PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!

I got the BEST news from Ghana this morning! We were FINALLY able to get the results of Kendi's CD4 count and CD4 percentage. That in and of itself is wonderful news--just so we can know where she is at. But it gets better!!!

Her CD4 count is over 1500!!! And her CD4 percentage os 48%!!!!

What? You don't know what this means? Where have you been? [Just kidding. I didn't know what it meant at first either--as in I didn't know what it meant even this morning! LOL!]

A normal person's CD4 count is 500-1500. Her's was OVER 1500! A normal person's CD4 percentage is 30-50%. Her's was 48%! This means that, from everything we can tell, Kendi Mabel's immune system is functioning as well as, and possible better than, all of us HIV negative folks. Is that not amazing?!

All that this child has gone through. Pre-birth exposures. Neglect. Significant malnutrition. HIV. And yet she is thriving not only on the outside, but also on the inside. God's hand must truly be upon her.

Misunderstanding

Thanks friends, for your words of support after my frustrated post yesterday. I really value your friendship. I think in my frustration I misrepresented the situation a bit. My family is giving the support for us to adopt again--and even to adopt Kendi. I know they will love her and accept her in our family. It's just that right now a few of them also have this fear that she is going to in some way be a danger to the other kids in the family. They are paranoid about bloody noses, or vomit, or a runny nose. That sort of thing. They will love her. I guess they are just having a harder time trusting that she won't "hurt" anybody else.

Anita

And one more thing...

Did you notice that I called her Kendi in my entire post below? There's a reason for that! I talked to our administrator today and found out that the staff at Eban House have started to call Mabel Kendi! I had shared with Muna about her new name (because we are friends). When we were skyping today she said something about "Kendi's labs" and I inquired. Muna said that when I told her about the name she thought it was pretty so she just decided they would start calling her Kendi now. It's not at all uncommon for our Eban kids to pick up nick names that are completely different from their "real" names, so I guess it didn't seem like a big deal to Muna.

I am very happy about this, although it was also very unexpected. I realized that when I was talking/thinking about her being HOME I called her Kendi. But when I was talking/thinking about things happening in Ghana with her I would refer to her as Mabel. Now she has the same name in both places and my mind can quit being so split!

Family Frustrations

I swear, half of the posts on this blog are going to be about our frustrations with getting family on board with Kendi's adoption. It's not that they aren't on board, but rather a few of them are not letting go of pre-conceived notions they have about HIV/AIDS. A few of them can't let go of the idea that Kendi is in some way a danger to the children in the family.

Yesterday we got together with Eric's side of the family and it sort of came to a boiling point. Since we were all together we asked if they had any questions or concerns that we could address, regarding Kendi's HIV. One person said their concern was about Eric--that this would be putting him at unnecessary risk. Of course, she had talked to her nurse friends, who CONFIRMED that Eric could get HIV through his catheter (the tube coming out of his stomach for dialysis to go in). Urgh.

First, Eric only opens the end of that tube when he is alone and in a secluded environment. The risk is that he would get an AIR BORN germ in his catheter while the lid is off for a short time while he hooks up to the dialysis treatment. What? Is Kendi's blood going to somehow squirt out of her body, through the sealed catheter, and into Eric's abdominal cavity even though he doesn't even open that with ANY of us around? AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! But remember, our family member's nurse friends confirmed that he could get HIV from Kendi through his catheter. Yeah. Maybe if we uncapped the catheter, cut Kendi's vein open and then drained her blood into it!

But then this family member pulled out the fact that she had done her own "research" on this. She had done a (as in SINGULAR) google search and saw on the CDC where it said HIV could be spread through vomit and snot and...etc., etc., etc.. I told her she must have misread the information. Sure enough I went on CDC tonight and read through the "HIV Transmission" fact sheet. She totally misread the document. AND it is from 1999. Shouldn't the CDC have more updated information than that?

My family member said that we could find anything we wanted to find to support our claims on the internet. As if we are just pulling up shady sites or sending them links from Wikipedia!

The final straw was when we mentioned that we were going to share Kendi's status with our adult niece and her fiance. Oh, no need, they said. They already knew. Not only that, but they had also told our EIGHT YEAR OLD NIECE about Kendi's HIV status.

In what world would an 8 year old need to know that her soon-to-be cousin is HIV+? I'll tell you in what world. In the world where parents would sit down and tell their daughter, "Now Eric and Anita are going to adopt another baby. She is SICK. You can't help feed her. You can't give her kisses. You need to keep your distance from her so that she doesn't make you sick." Can you think of any other reason they would tell their daughter unless it was as a warning? I can't.

I just spent the evening sending my family yet more information on the reality of HIV in today's world. Everybody kept saying that disclosure would be the hardest part of adopting an HIV+ child. Eric and I really thought we had it all figured out, but it is turning out to be way, way harder than we ever imagined.

We don't plan to share Kendi's status with that many more people before she comes home (we're thinking about a few folks at church that we want to tell). We are taking Erin's advice just to give it some time and let people know her before we decide when and how and if to disclose. Right now, to these people, HIV is just a thing. Kendi is a PERSON. This beautiful little person that just happens to carry something in her blood. They can't see the child for the disease. I think we are learning that we want people in the future to see the child first, and the disease second.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'll probably erase this post in a few days since it's shows so much anger at a certain family member. But I needed to vent to the people who understand.

That color is good on you!

One of the things I love about having dark-skinned kids is that they look so good in all of the bright summer colors that we very white folks can't pull off. Salmon, and orange, and bright yellow, and hot pink! I must be in a rainbow sort of mood today because this morning I bought Kendi Mabel a sweater that is rainbow striped (basically for free). We went to Target for some essentials tonight and I could not pass up this oh-so-Kendi-ish summer dress for $4! I just know her skin is going to look so beautiful against those colors.

I find it very hard to buy her the right size because I am paranoid that she will outgrow clothes before she gets home. When I was in Ghana 6 weeks ago she was 30 inches tall and 17 pounds heavy. According to Old Navy size charts that means she would be in 6-12 month for weight and 12-18 month for height.

By the time she comes home I'm thinking she could be maybe 25 pounds and 33-34 inches. ??? If so, that just puts her at BARELY 24 month size! The 24 month dress I bought her today at Target says it is for 33-35.5 inches and 26.5-28 pounds.

It's like it's too good to be true. Am I really buying those too cute toddler girl clothes again after 7 years?! Wow.

I know...I'm pitiful. The little things are very exciting to me right now. =-)

Hair and Tummy and Feet!

I got some new photos of Kendi Mabel today!!! Just four (gosh, I am so spoiled in saying "just" four). LOL But they were neat photos because I can see how much she is changing! Her hair is getting THICK. Love it! That tummy is getting THICK too! I don't know who brought the shoes for her but I am dieing to know what size they are. Her cheeks are filling out. Can you see it? Well, I guess some of you haven't seen pics of her so you don't know what to compare it to. Just trust me. She looks GREAT!!!

See that pink dress? I bought that! It's a size 2T.

Best Case Scenario--Update

I am updated my post titled "Best Case Scenario". I was looking at dates today and it actually seems like so far we are on track for the Best Case Scenario!!! Of course there is still a ton of things that can go wrong.

I talked to our Social Worker and she said that things are on track for her to be done with the report at about the same time our child abuse clearances are back (2 weeks from now). So April 1st time frame to have the homestudy done is still right on.

Kendi Mabel's paperwork is coming along well in Ghana. She is pretty much referral ready now. We don't have a single family currently in the program that is homestudy-complete and open to an HIV+ child. And we certainly have no families open to a child exposed to alcohol. This is the part in the process that makes me most nervous, because she is not technically "ours" and yet she is now referral ready.

I used to have more mixed emotions about it than I do now. Before we knew about her pre-birth history I wondered if we would be holding her back--making her wait longer--just because we want to adopt her. Also, I couldn't tell back then whether the difference in us being ready and her being ready would be 2 weeks or 2 months.

Honestly, Merrily is fine with us "holding her back" so that Eric and I can adopt her. *I* just had misgivings because I want her to have a family ASAP. But now that we are talking 2 weeks difference, I am okay with it. =-) And honestly, the chances of us finding a family for her in 2 weeks with her potential special needs (not HIV but adding in the other) is very small, even if we placed her on Rainbow Kids.

I still hope I can make one trip to get her. I've left her once and I don't want to do it again (not that she will care)! But it will all depend on who can care for my family here when I'm gone, and how things are going with DHS/Embassy at that time.

Gosh, I love this child.

Reactions

I don't want to give the impression that I'm going around telling every person I know that Kendi Mabel was exposed to alcohol and poison before she was born. But of those I have told it's been interesting to observe their reactions.

In my book the potential issues with FAS/FAE are MUCH more daunting to look at than the potential issues with HIV. However, without exception the responses from people who learn about Kendi Mabel's alcohol exposure is more along the "poor baby" and "It's not her fault. She'll be okay" line. And...those are totally appropriate responses.

What is interesting to me is that some of those SAME people have a very different response when we talk about her HIV status. Sure, I think they know that it's not her fault. But that's not what some of them are focused on. Some of them are focused on "How can this hurt me. How can this hurt my family." It no longer matters that it wasn't Kendi Mabel's fault. Their initial reactions indicate that they are going to be in "protect myself/my family" mode when they are around her (at least at first).

Then there are the people who want to write off the alcohol stuff like OF COURSE it will be okay, while at the same time still fearing that she will certainly die from the HIV stuff. Hello?! The alcohol stuff could have a much more profound effect on her life, if she is affected.

There are a few people in my life that I really want to "get" it--even more than the rest. I so want their total support for our adoption of KM. They know the facts about HIV, but are having a hard time really believing it.

Right now our close family members know about Kendi Mabel's status. Our more extended family (my step siblings, nieces, nephews, and on down) do not. At first we thought we'd disclose to my step-siblings, but now Eric are thinking that if that comes, it will come after Kendi Mabel is home. We want them to love her before they know anything is "different" about her. I was telling one my family members (who does know her status) how we were feeling. Long story short, there is still something in the back of this person's mind that says our family must be "protected" from Kendi Mabel.

It hurts so much to know that even someone WITH the facts can't get rid of that deeply-ingrained fear that was put inside us all in the 80s/90s. In casual living, there is nothing for anybody to be protected from when it comes to our future daughter. Nothing.

Having someone very close to me have that reaction, gives me less faith in others to understand and get over their misconceptions about HIV. There was a woman at church today who is adopting from Thailand. She was telling me that they are open to a variety of special needs, including Hep B. I told her if she is open to Hep B she should really also research more about adopting a child with HIV, as it's in the same tier (if not lower down) as far as special needs go. The woman didn't say anything but looked at me like I was crazy. It was really a rude look! Later, my friend told me that this woman is a doctor. If I get that response from a doctor, how much further do we have to go to de-stigmatize this disease?!

It's such a catch-22. All of this makes me that much more passionate about educating people. But at the same time my mama bear comes out when I feel like people are judging my child. Do I advocate/educate for HIV adoptions, and open up my child to all of the hurt she is likely to endure? Or do we keep things more quiet until she is old enough to choose for herself how we handle it?

I am so proud of my friends who are open about their families who have HIV+ members. I immediately thought THAT is what we would be like. And I still certainly don't think we could ever be secretive about it. But some of the reactions I've seen with close family and medical professionals makes me feel defeated. If THEY don't get it, I know that I have misunderstood the magnitude of the challenge ahead of us. I can take the heat. I just don't want it to burn my baby.

Sunshiney Day

Maybe it's that it's already 66 degrees outside. Maybe it's that it is going to get to 85 today. Maybe it's because daffodils are blooming and trees are blossoming. Whatever it is, today is a sunshiney day in my heart!

I got news "from a distant land" today from two people, about Kendi Mabel. Hearing about her makes my heart soar! She is talking now!!! She says "hello", and when you ask "How are you?" she says, "Fine." If you knew her teeny tiny voice and could imagine her little self saying this, it would make you smile!

Both a volunteer and Muna tell me that she is doing fantastic! Gaining weight, healthy, and catching up in all developmental areas. Praise God! The doctors have been difficult to work with to get her CD4 counts and percentage but it sounds as if next Monday we might finally get to do these tests and see the results. I'm very hopeful for good results, but at the very least it will be good to know what we are dealing with as far as counts go.

Today my heart feels happy. The worries from earlier in the week are just...gone. Even without any hard facts or evidence that she wasn't affected by things that happened to her in utero, somehow the Lord has reconfirmed in my heart that she is still supposed to be our daughter. I'm not just "at peace" with that. I'm JOYFUL about that!!!

I hope all of your days are sunshiney as well.