Kendi Mabel's birth certificate has finally been received in Ghana! It has been such a struggle (always a struggle with kids from the North). Now the staff can apply for her passport! I'm trying not to worry about the passport thing, but that's going to be hard. It's such an unknown and frustrating part of the process.
Anita
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Getting Impatient!
Okay, so we're what...6 weeks into this adoption. Yep. Right on target. I'm going through my first round of impatience. I am so ready to have our homestudy done so we can make the referral official! I wrote to my social worker to see if we were still on target to have the homestudy done "by the end of the month." She wrote back saying that she planned to have it done "soon." ACK! Now, I know I would do the exact same thing if I were here! Heck--I'm sure I do that to my families! I don't want to make promises and then have them get mad at me, so I use words like, "I think" and "maybe" and "soon" all the time.
Anyway, nothing big to report. I'm just impatient. I'm a horrible waiter. I'm ready to hold my baby again.
Anyway, nothing big to report. I'm just impatient. I'm a horrible waiter. I'm ready to hold my baby again.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Adoption Funding Update
Hi Everybody,
I thought I'd share with you how things are going on the financial side of the adoption. If you've been reading the blog from the beginning you know that our "sign" that we were to go forward was when a wonderful foundation said they would like to give us a grant.
We were notified today that we have recieved a very generous $5000 grant!!! Through our own savings and tax refund, we've been able to cover the cost of homestudy ($900), USCIS ($830), AAI Application ($100) and AAI Adoption Services Fee ($2000). In addition, I have enough frequent flyer miles to pay for one ticket to Ghana.
We have left to pay...
Ghana Foreign Fee: $7500, of which $5000 will be paid by grant
HIV Waiver: $545 (I think)
Visa: $400
Kendi's plane ticket: estimating $1000
Food/Boarding in Ghana for 1 month*: $1000
So, all in all we still need to finance about $5500 more for the adoption. That is a LOT of money. At the same time, I have faith that the Lord will continue to provide in ways that we could never imagine. It's not an option for us to take a conventional loan or put this remaining $5500 on credit cards (literally, not an option), so we will have to trust it will come in other ways!!
Eric and I have decided that we do feel okay about applying for some of the "covenent loan" programs that are out there (basically, a no interest loan where there is no promissory note and you promise to pay the loan back with the tax credit). We'll continue to apply for grants. We'll also have a grant account (not sure what the proper word for it is) with From HIV to Home where our friends and family can give a tax deductible donation towards our adoption expenses.
Prayers are appreciated!!!
*Yes, I'm still thinking I want to make one trip. It will just be so much less expensive if we can do it that way. It all depends on IF DHS will expedite I-600 processing and how fast we can get the HIV waiver done. A family is doing the waiver right now in Ghana, so we will have some idea within a few weeks.
I thought I'd share with you how things are going on the financial side of the adoption. If you've been reading the blog from the beginning you know that our "sign" that we were to go forward was when a wonderful foundation said they would like to give us a grant.
We were notified today that we have recieved a very generous $5000 grant!!! Through our own savings and tax refund, we've been able to cover the cost of homestudy ($900), USCIS ($830), AAI Application ($100) and AAI Adoption Services Fee ($2000). In addition, I have enough frequent flyer miles to pay for one ticket to Ghana.
We have left to pay...
Ghana Foreign Fee: $7500, of which $5000 will be paid by grant
HIV Waiver: $545 (I think)
Visa: $400
Kendi's plane ticket: estimating $1000
Food/Boarding in Ghana for 1 month*: $1000
So, all in all we still need to finance about $5500 more for the adoption. That is a LOT of money. At the same time, I have faith that the Lord will continue to provide in ways that we could never imagine. It's not an option for us to take a conventional loan or put this remaining $5500 on credit cards (literally, not an option), so we will have to trust it will come in other ways!!
Eric and I have decided that we do feel okay about applying for some of the "covenent loan" programs that are out there (basically, a no interest loan where there is no promissory note and you promise to pay the loan back with the tax credit). We'll continue to apply for grants. We'll also have a grant account (not sure what the proper word for it is) with From HIV to Home where our friends and family can give a tax deductible donation towards our adoption expenses.
Prayers are appreciated!!!
*Yes, I'm still thinking I want to make one trip. It will just be so much less expensive if we can do it that way. It all depends on IF DHS will expedite I-600 processing and how fast we can get the HIV waiver done. A family is doing the waiver right now in Ghana, so we will have some idea within a few weeks.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!
I got the BEST news from Ghana this morning! We were FINALLY able to get the results of Kendi's CD4 count and CD4 percentage. That in and of itself is wonderful news--just so we can know where she is at. But it gets better!!!
Her CD4 count is over 1500!!! And her CD4 percentage os 48%!!!!
What? You don't know what this means? Where have you been? [Just kidding. I didn't know what it meant at first either--as in I didn't know what it meant even this morning! LOL!]
A normal person's CD4 count is 500-1500. Her's was OVER 1500! A normal person's CD4 percentage is 30-50%. Her's was 48%! This means that, from everything we can tell, Kendi Mabel's immune system is functioning as well as, and possible better than, all of us HIV negative folks. Is that not amazing?!
All that this child has gone through. Pre-birth exposures. Neglect. Significant malnutrition. HIV. And yet she is thriving not only on the outside, but also on the inside. God's hand must truly be upon her.
Her CD4 count is over 1500!!! And her CD4 percentage os 48%!!!!
What? You don't know what this means? Where have you been? [Just kidding. I didn't know what it meant at first either--as in I didn't know what it meant even this morning! LOL!]
A normal person's CD4 count is 500-1500. Her's was OVER 1500! A normal person's CD4 percentage is 30-50%. Her's was 48%! This means that, from everything we can tell, Kendi Mabel's immune system is functioning as well as, and possible better than, all of us HIV negative folks. Is that not amazing?!
All that this child has gone through. Pre-birth exposures. Neglect. Significant malnutrition. HIV. And yet she is thriving not only on the outside, but also on the inside. God's hand must truly be upon her.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Misunderstanding
Thanks friends, for your words of support after my frustrated post yesterday. I really value your friendship. I think in my frustration I misrepresented the situation a bit. My family is giving the support for us to adopt again--and even to adopt Kendi. I know they will love her and accept her in our family. It's just that right now a few of them also have this fear that she is going to in some way be a danger to the other kids in the family. They are paranoid about bloody noses, or vomit, or a runny nose. That sort of thing. They will love her. I guess they are just having a harder time trusting that she won't "hurt" anybody else.
Anita
Anita
Monday, March 16, 2009
And one more thing...
Did you notice that I called her Kendi in my entire post below? There's a reason for that! I talked to our administrator today and found out that the staff at Eban House have started to call Mabel Kendi! I had shared with Muna about her new name (because we are friends). When we were skyping today she said something about "Kendi's labs" and I inquired. Muna said that when I told her about the name she thought it was pretty so she just decided they would start calling her Kendi now. It's not at all uncommon for our Eban kids to pick up nick names that are completely different from their "real" names, so I guess it didn't seem like a big deal to Muna.
I am very happy about this, although it was also very unexpected. I realized that when I was talking/thinking about her being HOME I called her Kendi. But when I was talking/thinking about things happening in Ghana with her I would refer to her as Mabel. Now she has the same name in both places and my mind can quit being so split!
I am very happy about this, although it was also very unexpected. I realized that when I was talking/thinking about her being HOME I called her Kendi. But when I was talking/thinking about things happening in Ghana with her I would refer to her as Mabel. Now she has the same name in both places and my mind can quit being so split!
Family Frustrations
I swear, half of the posts on this blog are going to be about our frustrations with getting family on board with Kendi's adoption. It's not that they aren't on board, but rather a few of them are not letting go of pre-conceived notions they have about HIV/AIDS. A few of them can't let go of the idea that Kendi is in some way a danger to the children in the family.
Yesterday we got together with Eric's side of the family and it sort of came to a boiling point. Since we were all together we asked if they had any questions or concerns that we could address, regarding Kendi's HIV. One person said their concern was about Eric--that this would be putting him at unnecessary risk. Of course, she had talked to her nurse friends, who CONFIRMED that Eric could get HIV through his catheter (the tube coming out of his stomach for dialysis to go in). Urgh.
First, Eric only opens the end of that tube when he is alone and in a secluded environment. The risk is that he would get an AIR BORN germ in his catheter while the lid is off for a short time while he hooks up to the dialysis treatment. What? Is Kendi's blood going to somehow squirt out of her body, through the sealed catheter, and into Eric's abdominal cavity even though he doesn't even open that with ANY of us around? AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! But remember, our family member's nurse friends confirmed that he could get HIV from Kendi through his catheter. Yeah. Maybe if we uncapped the catheter, cut Kendi's vein open and then drained her blood into it!
But then this family member pulled out the fact that she had done her own "research" on this. She had done a (as in SINGULAR) google search and saw on the CDC where it said HIV could be spread through vomit and snot and...etc., etc., etc.. I told her she must have misread the information. Sure enough I went on CDC tonight and read through the "HIV Transmission" fact sheet. She totally misread the document. AND it is from 1999. Shouldn't the CDC have more updated information than that?
My family member said that we could find anything we wanted to find to support our claims on the internet. As if we are just pulling up shady sites or sending them links from Wikipedia!
The final straw was when we mentioned that we were going to share Kendi's status with our adult niece and her fiance. Oh, no need, they said. They already knew. Not only that, but they had also told our EIGHT YEAR OLD NIECE about Kendi's HIV status.
In what world would an 8 year old need to know that her soon-to-be cousin is HIV+? I'll tell you in what world. In the world where parents would sit down and tell their daughter, "Now Eric and Anita are going to adopt another baby. She is SICK. You can't help feed her. You can't give her kisses. You need to keep your distance from her so that she doesn't make you sick." Can you think of any other reason they would tell their daughter unless it was as a warning? I can't.
I just spent the evening sending my family yet more information on the reality of HIV in today's world. Everybody kept saying that disclosure would be the hardest part of adopting an HIV+ child. Eric and I really thought we had it all figured out, but it is turning out to be way, way harder than we ever imagined.
We don't plan to share Kendi's status with that many more people before she comes home (we're thinking about a few folks at church that we want to tell). We are taking Erin's advice just to give it some time and let people know her before we decide when and how and if to disclose. Right now, to these people, HIV is just a thing. Kendi is a PERSON. This beautiful little person that just happens to carry something in her blood. They can't see the child for the disease. I think we are learning that we want people in the future to see the child first, and the disease second.
Thanks for letting me vent. I'll probably erase this post in a few days since it's shows so much anger at a certain family member. But I needed to vent to the people who understand.
Yesterday we got together with Eric's side of the family and it sort of came to a boiling point. Since we were all together we asked if they had any questions or concerns that we could address, regarding Kendi's HIV. One person said their concern was about Eric--that this would be putting him at unnecessary risk. Of course, she had talked to her nurse friends, who CONFIRMED that Eric could get HIV through his catheter (the tube coming out of his stomach for dialysis to go in). Urgh.
First, Eric only opens the end of that tube when he is alone and in a secluded environment. The risk is that he would get an AIR BORN germ in his catheter while the lid is off for a short time while he hooks up to the dialysis treatment. What? Is Kendi's blood going to somehow squirt out of her body, through the sealed catheter, and into Eric's abdominal cavity even though he doesn't even open that with ANY of us around? AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! But remember, our family member's nurse friends confirmed that he could get HIV from Kendi through his catheter. Yeah. Maybe if we uncapped the catheter, cut Kendi's vein open and then drained her blood into it!
But then this family member pulled out the fact that she had done her own "research" on this. She had done a (as in SINGULAR) google search and saw on the CDC where it said HIV could be spread through vomit and snot and...etc., etc., etc.. I told her she must have misread the information. Sure enough I went on CDC tonight and read through the "HIV Transmission" fact sheet. She totally misread the document. AND it is from 1999. Shouldn't the CDC have more updated information than that?
My family member said that we could find anything we wanted to find to support our claims on the internet. As if we are just pulling up shady sites or sending them links from Wikipedia!
The final straw was when we mentioned that we were going to share Kendi's status with our adult niece and her fiance. Oh, no need, they said. They already knew. Not only that, but they had also told our EIGHT YEAR OLD NIECE about Kendi's HIV status.
In what world would an 8 year old need to know that her soon-to-be cousin is HIV+? I'll tell you in what world. In the world where parents would sit down and tell their daughter, "Now Eric and Anita are going to adopt another baby. She is SICK. You can't help feed her. You can't give her kisses. You need to keep your distance from her so that she doesn't make you sick." Can you think of any other reason they would tell their daughter unless it was as a warning? I can't.
I just spent the evening sending my family yet more information on the reality of HIV in today's world. Everybody kept saying that disclosure would be the hardest part of adopting an HIV+ child. Eric and I really thought we had it all figured out, but it is turning out to be way, way harder than we ever imagined.
We don't plan to share Kendi's status with that many more people before she comes home (we're thinking about a few folks at church that we want to tell). We are taking Erin's advice just to give it some time and let people know her before we decide when and how and if to disclose. Right now, to these people, HIV is just a thing. Kendi is a PERSON. This beautiful little person that just happens to carry something in her blood. They can't see the child for the disease. I think we are learning that we want people in the future to see the child first, and the disease second.
Thanks for letting me vent. I'll probably erase this post in a few days since it's shows so much anger at a certain family member. But I needed to vent to the people who understand.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
That color is good on you!
One of the things I love about having dark-skinned kids is that they look so good in all of the bright summer colors that we very white folks can't pull off. Salmon, and orange, and bright yellow, and hot pink! I must be in a rainbow sort of mood today because this morning I bought Kendi Mabel a sweater that is rainbow striped (basically for free). We went to Target for some essentials tonight and I could not pass up this oh-so-Kendi-ish summer dress for $4! I just know her skin is going to look so beautiful against those colors.
I find it very hard to buy her the right size because I am paranoid that she will outgrow clothes before she gets home. When I was in Ghana 6 weeks ago she was 30 inches tall and 17 pounds heavy. According to Old Navy size charts that means she would be in 6-12 month for weight and 12-18 month for height.
By the time she comes home I'm thinking she could be maybe 25 pounds and 33-34 inches. ??? If so, that just puts her at BARELY 24 month size! The 24 month dress I bought her today at Target says it is for 33-35.5 inches and 26.5-28 pounds.
It's like it's too good to be true. Am I really buying those too cute toddler girl clothes again after 7 years?! Wow.
I know...I'm pitiful. The little things are very exciting to me right now. =-)
Hair and Tummy and Feet!
I got some new photos of Kendi Mabel today!!! Just four (gosh, I am so spoiled in saying "just" four). LOL But they were neat photos because I can see how much she is changing! Her hair is getting THICK. Love it! That tummy is getting THICK too! I don't know who brought the shoes for her but I am dieing to know what size they are. Her cheeks are filling out. Can you see it? Well, I guess some of you haven't seen pics of her so you don't know what to compare it to. Just trust me. She looks GREAT!!! 
See that pink dress? I bought that! It's a size 2T.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Best Case Scenario--Update
I am updated my post titled "Best Case Scenario". I was looking at dates today and it actually seems like so far we are on track for the Best Case Scenario!!! Of course there is still a ton of things that can go wrong.
I talked to our Social Worker and she said that things are on track for her to be done with the report at about the same time our child abuse clearances are back (2 weeks from now). So April 1st time frame to have the homestudy done is still right on.
Kendi Mabel's paperwork is coming along well in Ghana. She is pretty much referral ready now. We don't have a single family currently in the program that is homestudy-complete and open to an HIV+ child. And we certainly have no families open to a child exposed to alcohol. This is the part in the process that makes me most nervous, because she is not technically "ours" and yet she is now referral ready.
I used to have more mixed emotions about it than I do now. Before we knew about her pre-birth history I wondered if we would be holding her back--making her wait longer--just because we want to adopt her. Also, I couldn't tell back then whether the difference in us being ready and her being ready would be 2 weeks or 2 months.
Honestly, Merrily is fine with us "holding her back" so that Eric and I can adopt her. *I* just had misgivings because I want her to have a family ASAP. But now that we are talking 2 weeks difference, I am okay with it. =-) And honestly, the chances of us finding a family for her in 2 weeks with her potential special needs (not HIV but adding in the other) is very small, even if we placed her on Rainbow Kids.
I still hope I can make one trip to get her. I've left her once and I don't want to do it again (not that she will care)! But it will all depend on who can care for my family here when I'm gone, and how things are going with DHS/Embassy at that time.
Gosh, I love this child.
I talked to our Social Worker and she said that things are on track for her to be done with the report at about the same time our child abuse clearances are back (2 weeks from now). So April 1st time frame to have the homestudy done is still right on.
Kendi Mabel's paperwork is coming along well in Ghana. She is pretty much referral ready now. We don't have a single family currently in the program that is homestudy-complete and open to an HIV+ child. And we certainly have no families open to a child exposed to alcohol. This is the part in the process that makes me most nervous, because she is not technically "ours" and yet she is now referral ready.
I used to have more mixed emotions about it than I do now. Before we knew about her pre-birth history I wondered if we would be holding her back--making her wait longer--just because we want to adopt her. Also, I couldn't tell back then whether the difference in us being ready and her being ready would be 2 weeks or 2 months.
Honestly, Merrily is fine with us "holding her back" so that Eric and I can adopt her. *I* just had misgivings because I want her to have a family ASAP. But now that we are talking 2 weeks difference, I am okay with it. =-) And honestly, the chances of us finding a family for her in 2 weeks with her potential special needs (not HIV but adding in the other) is very small, even if we placed her on Rainbow Kids.
I still hope I can make one trip to get her. I've left her once and I don't want to do it again (not that she will care)! But it will all depend on who can care for my family here when I'm gone, and how things are going with DHS/Embassy at that time.
Gosh, I love this child.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Reactions
I don't want to give the impression that I'm going around telling every person I know that Kendi Mabel was exposed to alcohol and poison before she was born. But of those I have told it's been interesting to observe their reactions.
In my book the potential issues with FAS/FAE are MUCH more daunting to look at than the potential issues with HIV. However, without exception the responses from people who learn about Kendi Mabel's alcohol exposure is more along the "poor baby" and "It's not her fault. She'll be okay" line. And...those are totally appropriate responses.
What is interesting to me is that some of those SAME people have a very different response when we talk about her HIV status. Sure, I think they know that it's not her fault. But that's not what some of them are focused on. Some of them are focused on "How can this hurt me. How can this hurt my family." It no longer matters that it wasn't Kendi Mabel's fault. Their initial reactions indicate that they are going to be in "protect myself/my family" mode when they are around her (at least at first).
Then there are the people who want to write off the alcohol stuff like OF COURSE it will be okay, while at the same time still fearing that she will certainly die from the HIV stuff. Hello?! The alcohol stuff could have a much more profound effect on her life, if she is affected.
There are a few people in my life that I really want to "get" it--even more than the rest. I so want their total support for our adoption of KM. They know the facts about HIV, but are having a hard time really believing it.
Right now our close family members know about Kendi Mabel's status. Our more extended family (my step siblings, nieces, nephews, and on down) do not. At first we thought we'd disclose to my step-siblings, but now Eric are thinking that if that comes, it will come after Kendi Mabel is home. We want them to love her before they know anything is "different" about her. I was telling one my family members (who does know her status) how we were feeling. Long story short, there is still something in the back of this person's mind that says our family must be "protected" from Kendi Mabel.
It hurts so much to know that even someone WITH the facts can't get rid of that deeply-ingrained fear that was put inside us all in the 80s/90s. In casual living, there is nothing for anybody to be protected from when it comes to our future daughter. Nothing.
Having someone very close to me have that reaction, gives me less faith in others to understand and get over their misconceptions about HIV. There was a woman at church today who is adopting from Thailand. She was telling me that they are open to a variety of special needs, including Hep B. I told her if she is open to Hep B she should really also research more about adopting a child with HIV, as it's in the same tier (if not lower down) as far as special needs go. The woman didn't say anything but looked at me like I was crazy. It was really a rude look! Later, my friend told me that this woman is a doctor. If I get that response from a doctor, how much further do we have to go to de-stigmatize this disease?!
It's such a catch-22. All of this makes me that much more passionate about educating people. But at the same time my mama bear comes out when I feel like people are judging my child. Do I advocate/educate for HIV adoptions, and open up my child to all of the hurt she is likely to endure? Or do we keep things more quiet until she is old enough to choose for herself how we handle it?
I am so proud of my friends who are open about their families who have HIV+ members. I immediately thought THAT is what we would be like. And I still certainly don't think we could ever be secretive about it. But some of the reactions I've seen with close family and medical professionals makes me feel defeated. If THEY don't get it, I know that I have misunderstood the magnitude of the challenge ahead of us. I can take the heat. I just don't want it to burn my baby.
In my book the potential issues with FAS/FAE are MUCH more daunting to look at than the potential issues with HIV. However, without exception the responses from people who learn about Kendi Mabel's alcohol exposure is more along the "poor baby" and "It's not her fault. She'll be okay" line. And...those are totally appropriate responses.
What is interesting to me is that some of those SAME people have a very different response when we talk about her HIV status. Sure, I think they know that it's not her fault. But that's not what some of them are focused on. Some of them are focused on "How can this hurt me. How can this hurt my family." It no longer matters that it wasn't Kendi Mabel's fault. Their initial reactions indicate that they are going to be in "protect myself/my family" mode when they are around her (at least at first).
Then there are the people who want to write off the alcohol stuff like OF COURSE it will be okay, while at the same time still fearing that she will certainly die from the HIV stuff. Hello?! The alcohol stuff could have a much more profound effect on her life, if she is affected.
There are a few people in my life that I really want to "get" it--even more than the rest. I so want their total support for our adoption of KM. They know the facts about HIV, but are having a hard time really believing it.
Right now our close family members know about Kendi Mabel's status. Our more extended family (my step siblings, nieces, nephews, and on down) do not. At first we thought we'd disclose to my step-siblings, but now Eric are thinking that if that comes, it will come after Kendi Mabel is home. We want them to love her before they know anything is "different" about her. I was telling one my family members (who does know her status) how we were feeling. Long story short, there is still something in the back of this person's mind that says our family must be "protected" from Kendi Mabel.
It hurts so much to know that even someone WITH the facts can't get rid of that deeply-ingrained fear that was put inside us all in the 80s/90s. In casual living, there is nothing for anybody to be protected from when it comes to our future daughter. Nothing.
Having someone very close to me have that reaction, gives me less faith in others to understand and get over their misconceptions about HIV. There was a woman at church today who is adopting from Thailand. She was telling me that they are open to a variety of special needs, including Hep B. I told her if she is open to Hep B she should really also research more about adopting a child with HIV, as it's in the same tier (if not lower down) as far as special needs go. The woman didn't say anything but looked at me like I was crazy. It was really a rude look! Later, my friend told me that this woman is a doctor. If I get that response from a doctor, how much further do we have to go to de-stigmatize this disease?!
It's such a catch-22. All of this makes me that much more passionate about educating people. But at the same time my mama bear comes out when I feel like people are judging my child. Do I advocate/educate for HIV adoptions, and open up my child to all of the hurt she is likely to endure? Or do we keep things more quiet until she is old enough to choose for herself how we handle it?
I am so proud of my friends who are open about their families who have HIV+ members. I immediately thought THAT is what we would be like. And I still certainly don't think we could ever be secretive about it. But some of the reactions I've seen with close family and medical professionals makes me feel defeated. If THEY don't get it, I know that I have misunderstood the magnitude of the challenge ahead of us. I can take the heat. I just don't want it to burn my baby.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Sunshiney Day
Maybe it's that it's already 66 degrees outside. Maybe it's that it is going to get to 85 today. Maybe it's because daffodils are blooming and trees are blossoming. Whatever it is, today is a sunshiney day in my heart!
I got news "from a distant land" today from two people, about Kendi Mabel. Hearing about her makes my heart soar! She is talking now!!! She says "hello", and when you ask "How are you?" she says, "Fine." If you knew her teeny tiny voice and could imagine her little self saying this, it would make you smile!
Both a volunteer and Muna tell me that she is doing fantastic! Gaining weight, healthy, and catching up in all developmental areas. Praise God! The doctors have been difficult to work with to get her CD4 counts and percentage but it sounds as if next Monday we might finally get to do these tests and see the results. I'm very hopeful for good results, but at the very least it will be good to know what we are dealing with as far as counts go.
Today my heart feels happy. The worries from earlier in the week are just...gone. Even without any hard facts or evidence that she wasn't affected by things that happened to her in utero, somehow the Lord has reconfirmed in my heart that she is still supposed to be our daughter. I'm not just "at peace" with that. I'm JOYFUL about that!!!
I hope all of your days are sunshiney as well.
I got news "from a distant land" today from two people, about Kendi Mabel. Hearing about her makes my heart soar! She is talking now!!! She says "hello", and when you ask "How are you?" she says, "Fine." If you knew her teeny tiny voice and could imagine her little self saying this, it would make you smile!
Both a volunteer and Muna tell me that she is doing fantastic! Gaining weight, healthy, and catching up in all developmental areas. Praise God! The doctors have been difficult to work with to get her CD4 counts and percentage but it sounds as if next Monday we might finally get to do these tests and see the results. I'm very hopeful for good results, but at the very least it will be good to know what we are dealing with as far as counts go.
Today my heart feels happy. The worries from earlier in the week are just...gone. Even without any hard facts or evidence that she wasn't affected by things that happened to her in utero, somehow the Lord has reconfirmed in my heart that she is still supposed to be our daughter. I'm not just "at peace" with that. I'm JOYFUL about that!!!
I hope all of your days are sunshiney as well.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Homestudy Docs--Check!
We got the last of our homestudy documents today. Yea! It took longer than I wanted, but we had more to collect than usual too (with Eric's extra medical documents and the kids medicals).
Hopefully our criminal/child abuse clearances are working their way steadily through the system and our SW will have the study written and ready to go once those clearances are in.
USCIS still hasn't cashed our check. Not that I WANT $830 to go out of my checking account, but it would be good to know the application got there safely!
Kendi Mabel still isn't officially referral-ready, which actually works in our favor since we want the timing of it all to fit perfectly (us both being ready at the same time).
Hopefully our criminal/child abuse clearances are working their way steadily through the system and our SW will have the study written and ready to go once those clearances are in.
USCIS still hasn't cashed our check. Not that I WANT $830 to go out of my checking account, but it would be good to know the application got there safely!
Kendi Mabel still isn't officially referral-ready, which actually works in our favor since we want the timing of it all to fit perfectly (us both being ready at the same time).
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Name Frustrations
Okay...I can't do it. I can't just keep calling her Kendi, or even Kendi Mae. She's got to be Kendi Mabel. Every time I leave off the Mabel I feel like I'm disrespecting her. She's not legally our child yet. And even if she was, she's still Mabel. I love her as Mabel, even though I do NOT love that name! Maybe 3 years from now I will look at this post and laugh at myself, thinking, "How could she ever have been anything but Kendi!" But right now she is something other than Kendi. She is Mabel. So I'll cut myself a break. Kendi Mabel Anadane Gillispie is not as "pretty" maybe. But that's what I think her name should be. Kendi Mae for short? Sure! But she's still Mabel. Always will be. Now, I've got to talk to Eric! =-)
Anita
Anita
FAS/FAE, Neurotoxicity, and other fun things
I've got to be honest in saying that yesterday's news on Kendi really threw me for a loop. It hit me on many different levels. First, there was sadness for her. Then there was fear of what all of this could mean to her future. And what could it do to our plans to adopt her? Does it make a difference?
I spent the majority of last night looking up information on Fetal Alcohol Syndrom and Fetal Alcohol Effects; DDT poisening, and neurotoxicity. I am certainly still no expert on these things.
The DDT poisening. Yes, the chemical insecticide. It makes sense because the area of Ghana where Kendi is from is highly agricultural. Also, DDT (I learned) is the agent used in up to 1/3 of all suicides in Asia. It's a common thing to use for suicide.
From everything I found last night, it seems that she is probably okay from the DDT--or at least not suffering from the most severe effects. She isn't having seizures, isn't uncoordinated, and doesn't have excessive GI problems. Neurotoxicity is a concern, but one that I cannnot rule in or out. Neurotoxicity can cause the same sorts of ADHD-like symptoms as FAS/FAE. All in all, I think she must of somehow been spared from the effects of the DDT. Maybe the mother had her stomach pumped before it hit her blood stream????
The alcohol is much more of a concern for me. I can say without hesitation that for us it is much more difficult to parent a child with behavioral issues than it is to parent a child with medical issues. The possible FAS/FAE is a much bigger deal to us than HIV. It's just one of those special needs that I never would have chosen for my child.
I studied Kendi's pictures for a long time last night. I just don't think her facial features are in line with the facial features usually seen in kids with FAS. Short upturned nose? Yes. But very thin top lip? Smooth surface between top lip and nose? Small eyes? Underdeveloped ears? Low nose bridge? I don't see it. If one of you do PLEASE let me know. Maybe I am seeing her face through rose-colored glasses, but I just see a very cute normal looking face.
If she doesn't have FAS, FAE is still a definite possibility. FAE doesn't come with any physical abnormalities. You can't see it. And the symptoms don't fully reveal themselves for many years. Hyperactivity, learning difficulties, social difficulties, etc.. Having met and spent time with Mabel, I don't have any red flags for behavioral issues at this point. She seemed like a typically developing child. She was behind--for sure--but catching up. Just in the week I was with her she learned to wave bye-bye, blow kisses, and say "bye-bye." To me, that doesn't seem like a child who is cognitively impaired. Of course, there are still YEARS to come before we know how she might have been adversely affected.
Chances are, she is going to have SOME effect from the alcohol. But how much we have no way of knowing. We just. don't. know.
If we had gotten this news about a child that I had only seen a picture of, it would have been much more difficult to move forward. Seriously--FAS/FAE scares me to death. It may have been enough to stop this adoption (unless the Lord spoke clearly abut us continuing on). But that's not what happened. We got this information about a child I have played with, and cuddled, and taught. I know this child. So even though my brain says "RUN!" my heart says, "It's going to be okay."
Maybe it won't be as okay as we had hoped it would. Maybe Kendi Mabel is going to have challenges in addition to the HIV. But really....how do we know that ALL of our children haven't been exposed to alcohol before birth? We don't have any information about their mother's pregnancies. We have no idea what they went through to be born. Their risks could have been the same as, if not greater than, Kendi Mabel's.
So...we're moving forward. I thought Eric might be thrown for a loop by this, but he wasn't. He just said, "Well, it's something we'll need to keep an eye on." and that was it. No talk of not going foward. I guess we both feel like we can't just throw this child away because of a chance, an exposure. Maybe things would be different if she had a sure diagnosis of something. But she doesn't. We serve a mighty God that we have SEEN heal our children before. He can do it again.
I spent the majority of last night looking up information on Fetal Alcohol Syndrom and Fetal Alcohol Effects; DDT poisening, and neurotoxicity. I am certainly still no expert on these things.
The DDT poisening. Yes, the chemical insecticide. It makes sense because the area of Ghana where Kendi is from is highly agricultural. Also, DDT (I learned) is the agent used in up to 1/3 of all suicides in Asia. It's a common thing to use for suicide.
From everything I found last night, it seems that she is probably okay from the DDT--or at least not suffering from the most severe effects. She isn't having seizures, isn't uncoordinated, and doesn't have excessive GI problems. Neurotoxicity is a concern, but one that I cannnot rule in or out. Neurotoxicity can cause the same sorts of ADHD-like symptoms as FAS/FAE. All in all, I think she must of somehow been spared from the effects of the DDT. Maybe the mother had her stomach pumped before it hit her blood stream????
The alcohol is much more of a concern for me. I can say without hesitation that for us it is much more difficult to parent a child with behavioral issues than it is to parent a child with medical issues. The possible FAS/FAE is a much bigger deal to us than HIV. It's just one of those special needs that I never would have chosen for my child.
I studied Kendi's pictures for a long time last night. I just don't think her facial features are in line with the facial features usually seen in kids with FAS. Short upturned nose? Yes. But very thin top lip? Smooth surface between top lip and nose? Small eyes? Underdeveloped ears? Low nose bridge? I don't see it. If one of you do PLEASE let me know. Maybe I am seeing her face through rose-colored glasses, but I just see a very cute normal looking face.
If she doesn't have FAS, FAE is still a definite possibility. FAE doesn't come with any physical abnormalities. You can't see it. And the symptoms don't fully reveal themselves for many years. Hyperactivity, learning difficulties, social difficulties, etc.. Having met and spent time with Mabel, I don't have any red flags for behavioral issues at this point. She seemed like a typically developing child. She was behind--for sure--but catching up. Just in the week I was with her she learned to wave bye-bye, blow kisses, and say "bye-bye." To me, that doesn't seem like a child who is cognitively impaired. Of course, there are still YEARS to come before we know how she might have been adversely affected.
Chances are, she is going to have SOME effect from the alcohol. But how much we have no way of knowing. We just. don't. know.
If we had gotten this news about a child that I had only seen a picture of, it would have been much more difficult to move forward. Seriously--FAS/FAE scares me to death. It may have been enough to stop this adoption (unless the Lord spoke clearly abut us continuing on). But that's not what happened. We got this information about a child I have played with, and cuddled, and taught. I know this child. So even though my brain says "RUN!" my heart says, "It's going to be okay."
Maybe it won't be as okay as we had hoped it would. Maybe Kendi Mabel is going to have challenges in addition to the HIV. But really....how do we know that ALL of our children haven't been exposed to alcohol before birth? We don't have any information about their mother's pregnancies. We have no idea what they went through to be born. Their risks could have been the same as, if not greater than, Kendi Mabel's.
So...we're moving forward. I thought Eric might be thrown for a loop by this, but he wasn't. He just said, "Well, it's something we'll need to keep an eye on." and that was it. No talk of not going foward. I guess we both feel like we can't just throw this child away because of a chance, an exposure. Maybe things would be different if she had a sure diagnosis of something. But she doesn't. We serve a mighty God that we have SEEN heal our children before. He can do it again.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Poor Baby
Oh my poor, poor baby. I just got her social welfare report today. It's not finalized. This was just a "soft" copy. But it is the most information I have seen about Mabel. I won't be sharing this on my public/other blog.
I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but Mabel's case is somewhat unique because it is her mother that abandoned her, and her father that relinquished her. I just found out today how bad it was with her mother. Sweet baby....mother tried to abort her "many" times during pregnancy. When that didn't work she started drinking heavily and eventually poisoned herself with "DDT" (still have to research what that is). Eventually the mother abandoned Mabel to the father's family and has now completely disappeared.
What a survivor Mabel is. How did she make it through all of that? It also makes me wonder what additional challenges she may have in the future. Alcohol and poisoning in utero is no small thing. I don't *see* any signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome but will certainly be researching that more in the coming weeks. FAS scares me to death, to be quite honest. If anybody has any experience with it, I'd like to hear what they have been.
I'm not just saying this because we hope to adopt Mabel, but it is exactly kids like her who truly benefit from international adoption. She is the type of kid I do this for. She's not unique. We've got many others who TRULY need to be placed internationally. It SICKENS me to hear more and more often of agencies that I believe are in Ghana for the wrong reason. They seek out healthy babies and "perfect" kids. They are going to feel my wrath if they compromise adoptions for those children who truly are in need.
BTW, I know it's not kosher to share this type of information about your child. I just wanted to share with you all, so you get an idea for the extent of the need for some of our kids in Ghana.
I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but Mabel's case is somewhat unique because it is her mother that abandoned her, and her father that relinquished her. I just found out today how bad it was with her mother. Sweet baby....mother tried to abort her "many" times during pregnancy. When that didn't work she started drinking heavily and eventually poisoned herself with "DDT" (still have to research what that is). Eventually the mother abandoned Mabel to the father's family and has now completely disappeared.
What a survivor Mabel is. How did she make it through all of that? It also makes me wonder what additional challenges she may have in the future. Alcohol and poisoning in utero is no small thing. I don't *see* any signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome but will certainly be researching that more in the coming weeks. FAS scares me to death, to be quite honest. If anybody has any experience with it, I'd like to hear what they have been.
I'm not just saying this because we hope to adopt Mabel, but it is exactly kids like her who truly benefit from international adoption. She is the type of kid I do this for. She's not unique. We've got many others who TRULY need to be placed internationally. It SICKENS me to hear more and more often of agencies that I believe are in Ghana for the wrong reason. They seek out healthy babies and "perfect" kids. They are going to feel my wrath if they compromise adoptions for those children who truly are in need.
BTW, I know it's not kosher to share this type of information about your child. I just wanted to share with you all, so you get an idea for the extent of the need for some of our kids in Ghana.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Up we go...
Thanks friends, for the encouraging words. Chanda, praying with you for BIG movement very soon!! I know that after all of this time you've got to be feeling what I do, times 10 (or 100).
I'm feeling better today. Merrily (my boss/AAI director) can be such a calming influence. She's been doing this for 30 years and not much throws her for a loop anymore. She feels strongly that this embassy stuff is going to be ironed out.
I broke down and watched all of my videos of Kendi last night. [BTW, I am still really struggling to refer to her as Kendi rather than Mabel!] It was good to see her and hear her voice. Like I said yesterday, my heart is fighting that right now. But in the end it was good. It reminds me who we are doing all of this for. Seeing her doesn't allow her to become some child out there in the yonder. I know her. I know my love for her is real. And she is worth this tiny amount of stress, and all of the months of stress to come!
I'm feeling better today. Merrily (my boss/AAI director) can be such a calming influence. She's been doing this for 30 years and not much throws her for a loop anymore. She feels strongly that this embassy stuff is going to be ironed out.
I broke down and watched all of my videos of Kendi last night. [BTW, I am still really struggling to refer to her as Kendi rather than Mabel!] It was good to see her and hear her voice. Like I said yesterday, my heart is fighting that right now. But in the end it was good. It reminds me who we are doing all of this for. Seeing her doesn't allow her to become some child out there in the yonder. I know her. I know my love for her is real. And she is worth this tiny amount of stress, and all of the months of stress to come!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Weekend Woes--Part II
I was getting on to vent about all of the emotions I'm feeling when I realized that I already did that once this weekend. Thus, part two!
Gosh, I really did forget how hard this all is. The paperwork is definitely the easiest part of an international adoption. Keeping a check on your emotions is infinitely more difficult.
Here are my symptoms:
1. I don't want to buy clothes for when Kendi Mae is home.
2. I don't feel ready to start her afghan (I have crocheted all of my kids an afghan).
3. I try to tell myself it will be okay if something happens and she never comes home.
All these symptoms reveal the true state of things. I am scared to death of loving and losing this child. I find myself trying not to think about how amazing she is. I find myself trying to put out of my mind what she felt like, smelled like, sounded like. I try not to think about the way she filled up my arms as I held her.
Self-preservation is an interesting thing. The truth is that there is no way to preserve yourself in an adoption. If you don't allow yourself to feel all of the love you have for your future child you have missed an opportunity for months of heart-bonding. If you do allow yourself to feel every ounce of love, you are opening yourself up to terrible hurt if something goes wrong. In the end I always end up opening myself up for that terrible hurt.
Gosh, I really did forget how hard this all is. The paperwork is definitely the easiest part of an international adoption. Keeping a check on your emotions is infinitely more difficult.
Here are my symptoms:
1. I don't want to buy clothes for when Kendi Mae is home.
2. I don't feel ready to start her afghan (I have crocheted all of my kids an afghan).
3. I try to tell myself it will be okay if something happens and she never comes home.
All these symptoms reveal the true state of things. I am scared to death of loving and losing this child. I find myself trying not to think about how amazing she is. I find myself trying to put out of my mind what she felt like, smelled like, sounded like. I try not to think about the way she filled up my arms as I held her.
Self-preservation is an interesting thing. The truth is that there is no way to preserve yourself in an adoption. If you don't allow yourself to feel all of the love you have for your future child you have missed an opportunity for months of heart-bonding. If you do allow yourself to feel every ounce of love, you are opening yourself up to terrible hurt if something goes wrong. In the end I always end up opening myself up for that terrible hurt.
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