I was getting on to vent about all of the emotions I'm feeling when I realized that I already did that once this weekend. Thus, part two!
Gosh, I really did forget how hard this all is. The paperwork is definitely the easiest part of an international adoption. Keeping a check on your emotions is infinitely more difficult.
Here are my symptoms:
1. I don't want to buy clothes for when Kendi Mae is home.
2. I don't feel ready to start her afghan (I have crocheted all of my kids an afghan).
3. I try to tell myself it will be okay if something happens and she never comes home.
All these symptoms reveal the true state of things. I am scared to death of loving and losing this child. I find myself trying not to think about how amazing she is. I find myself trying to put out of my mind what she felt like, smelled like, sounded like. I try not to think about the way she filled up my arms as I held her.
Self-preservation is an interesting thing. The truth is that there is no way to preserve yourself in an adoption. If you don't allow yourself to feel all of the love you have for your future child you have missed an opportunity for months of heart-bonding. If you do allow yourself to feel every ounce of love, you are opening yourself up to terrible hurt if something goes wrong. In the end I always end up opening myself up for that terrible hurt.
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Oh my friend, I am SO in the midst of self-preservation right now!! I totally get feeling this way. I want so badly to just really feel honestly excited about Stephen coming, but because of all the twists and turns in this particular adoption process I am just not feeling it. I want to make him a quilt, but I'm not motivated to do it. I haven't even been motivated to work on the paperwork, because there's a very real possibility that things might not work out and getting that dossier together would be a waste of time. I don't want it to be that way, but it is what it is. I just have to find peace in the situation and be willing to be flexible and patient. I guess God is giving me an exercise in patience...
ReplyDeleteChanda
Oh Anita, I am so sorry that you're feeling this way, but I do think that self preservation is a natural thing. I did the exact same thing with Mary's adoption. Because it was a new program and the family could come back into her life, I just couldn't make myself love the child. But that didn't change how bonded to her I am now. I'm probably more bonded to Mary than I am to Sophia.
ReplyDeleteI felt sick when I saw how long the process was going to be taking, and I can't even imagine how frustrating that must be for you. We're all praying that Kendi Mae stays healthy and makes it into your arms sooner than expected. And I'm praying that you find the peace that you need to make it through this fourth adoption. Hugs, my friend.
Heather A
Sending hugs to both Anita and Chanda. And prayers for you too. I have no advice for you, as you both "know" the experience, but I wish for you peace and comfort as you go through this journey. SO easy to say, so challenging to live!
ReplyDeleteFabu