Reactions

I don't want to give the impression that I'm going around telling every person I know that Kendi Mabel was exposed to alcohol and poison before she was born. But of those I have told it's been interesting to observe their reactions.

In my book the potential issues with FAS/FAE are MUCH more daunting to look at than the potential issues with HIV. However, without exception the responses from people who learn about Kendi Mabel's alcohol exposure is more along the "poor baby" and "It's not her fault. She'll be okay" line. And...those are totally appropriate responses.

What is interesting to me is that some of those SAME people have a very different response when we talk about her HIV status. Sure, I think they know that it's not her fault. But that's not what some of them are focused on. Some of them are focused on "How can this hurt me. How can this hurt my family." It no longer matters that it wasn't Kendi Mabel's fault. Their initial reactions indicate that they are going to be in "protect myself/my family" mode when they are around her (at least at first).

Then there are the people who want to write off the alcohol stuff like OF COURSE it will be okay, while at the same time still fearing that she will certainly die from the HIV stuff. Hello?! The alcohol stuff could have a much more profound effect on her life, if she is affected.

There are a few people in my life that I really want to "get" it--even more than the rest. I so want their total support for our adoption of KM. They know the facts about HIV, but are having a hard time really believing it.

Right now our close family members know about Kendi Mabel's status. Our more extended family (my step siblings, nieces, nephews, and on down) do not. At first we thought we'd disclose to my step-siblings, but now Eric are thinking that if that comes, it will come after Kendi Mabel is home. We want them to love her before they know anything is "different" about her. I was telling one my family members (who does know her status) how we were feeling. Long story short, there is still something in the back of this person's mind that says our family must be "protected" from Kendi Mabel.

It hurts so much to know that even someone WITH the facts can't get rid of that deeply-ingrained fear that was put inside us all in the 80s/90s. In casual living, there is nothing for anybody to be protected from when it comes to our future daughter. Nothing.

Having someone very close to me have that reaction, gives me less faith in others to understand and get over their misconceptions about HIV. There was a woman at church today who is adopting from Thailand. She was telling me that they are open to a variety of special needs, including Hep B. I told her if she is open to Hep B she should really also research more about adopting a child with HIV, as it's in the same tier (if not lower down) as far as special needs go. The woman didn't say anything but looked at me like I was crazy. It was really a rude look! Later, my friend told me that this woman is a doctor. If I get that response from a doctor, how much further do we have to go to de-stigmatize this disease?!

It's such a catch-22. All of this makes me that much more passionate about educating people. But at the same time my mama bear comes out when I feel like people are judging my child. Do I advocate/educate for HIV adoptions, and open up my child to all of the hurt she is likely to endure? Or do we keep things more quiet until she is old enough to choose for herself how we handle it?

I am so proud of my friends who are open about their families who have HIV+ members. I immediately thought THAT is what we would be like. And I still certainly don't think we could ever be secretive about it. But some of the reactions I've seen with close family and medical professionals makes me feel defeated. If THEY don't get it, I know that I have misunderstood the magnitude of the challenge ahead of us. I can take the heat. I just don't want it to burn my baby.