So what's the problem?

Maybe deciding to have another child is easy for some families. It isn't for ours. It never has been, since Taevy. With each additional child we have to go through a series of very involved questions. And it seems that with each additional child, the answers get harder to find.

We have three kids. We don't NEED another child to feel fulfilled. We have a wonderful family. But do we WANT another child? The answer for me is yes. I don't know for sure if Mabel is our #4, but I know I want a #4. I know there is room in the car and at the table and in my heart for #4.

For Eric, the question is more difficult. He's not sure whether he wants a 4th child right now. He's not sure if he ever wants a 4th child. But more than that, he feels like he might not be "good enough" for another child. He questions if he would have enough time and energy. He questions whether he is a good enough dad to have four kids. If you know him, you know this is an unfounded fear. He is a fabulous daddy. Our kids adore him. No good parent ever feels like they have given their child enough. So for Eric the question is not about whether he wants a 4th child, as much as it is a question of whether or not he feels that the fourth child would be in some way disadvantaged to be put into our family.

Another part of the problem is (of course) money. Even though I knew eventually I would want a #4, I didn't think it would be NOW. I didn't expect to have a child on my heart NOW. There is no money saved in the bank for a 4th child--no nest egg for the future.

I thought some of this could be offset by an adoption benefit given by my employer (an adoption agency). But no. They give no fee reduction for employees. As wrong as that is, it's what we have to deal with.

Eric and I both agree that we cannot and should not go into revolving debt in order to adopt Mabel. We are rock solid in agreement on that. We believe that grants would come for some of the fees. We know that we could come up with some by saving every month as well. The problem, not just with this adoption but with most, is having the money to go forward UP FRONT. There are lots of resources to "pay you back" money you've spent. But there are a lot fewer resources to give you the money up front and then let you pay it back with the adoption tax credit (or through other means).

It's scary to step off a cliff and not know for sure whether someone will be there to catch your fall. Even for me--and I am pretty big on faith. For Eric--who is pretty big on facts and figures--it is even scarier.

So that's the problem. First--deciding we do want to adopt #4. Second--deciding we want to give that #4 spot to Mabel. Third--coming up with the money to go forward.